Never Ever Give Logan M'n'Ms
by Glastea
Summary: A hypothesis on the subject of Logan and M'n'Ms, mixed, and if you add Scott into the mix... pure silliness on a stick.
1. Part I

**Never. Ever. Give Logan M'n'Ms.**

Another fic that can only be summarised with the words 'Oh. Dear.' Yet another challenge from the same friend that gave me the (somewhat literal) plot bunny for 'The Infestation', which is lurking around here somewhere. It amused me far too much not to be written up and uploaded, so here we are now.

Enjoy: and do tell me if you like it. It seems to have a good effect on people from those I've tested so far.

**0-0-0-0-0**

Professor,

Sorry to bother you and everything (I'm sure you have much more important things to do,) but this is somewhat urgent. It concerns Logan, but has nothing to do with my motorcycle, I assure you. She's been securely chained to the garage wall- well, for the moment, anyway.

As you may or may not know, the Wookie (for want of a better term) came back yesterday, just after you'd left. As well as his usual 'flirt with Jean just to annoy Summers' routine, he somehow managed to have most of the student population (that is, the female side) at his feet, and they dragged him off into the Rec Room to do something or other (which I ignored completely, so I don't know what; I was more concerned with providing my Harley with adequate protection.)

Two hours later, with help from peanut M'n'Ms and soda, he's running around the mansion completely in the land of the fairies.

It was funny, until he tried to kiss me.

You try being chased around the mansion by a furball who's telling you how much he loves you in front of your fiancée and the rest of the students (all of which apparently have bets going on whether he'll catch me or not.) I'm not a homophobe or anything, but this is highly disconcerting, sir. Quite frankly, I have no idea what to do.

Which leads me smartly on to my current situation. After he tried to forcibly drag me into his bedroom by the waist, I thereabout managed to escape, grab my laptop and a torch, and as I type this I'm lying inside one of the air vents.

Since I won't be going anywhere for seemingly quite some time, please E-Mail back quickly (I don't know how long it'll take for either the sugar's affects to wear off or him to realise I'm here…)

Yours,

SS

**Sent Sat 13th November XXXX: 19:31**

Scott,

Interesting indeed. My apologies for the late reply: I didn't have the time to check my inbox.

I do hope you're alright, and I shall endeavour to get home as soon as I can. Meanwhile, wait until the sugar has worn off (depending on the concentration, it could take some time) before you even consider coming out.

If he has found you, I can only wish you the best of luck, and hope you can still crawl as fast as I remember you were able to as a teenager.

Good Luck,

Professor X

**Sent Tues 16th Nov XXXX: 10:02**

Sir,

The reassurance came a bit late. Logan found me eight hours before I received your E-Mail; but better late than never, I suppose.

He gave me a six hour army crawl chase around the ventilation system before we got to the uphill bit before the kitchen, and since I have height advantage (that the lord), I managed to get a head start, got out of the tunnels and ran for my life.

I have no clue what to do, so am currently hiding in a broom cupboard. Whenever I find out who gave him the sugar boost, they will dying a painful death in the Danger Room.

Wait, what's that outside? Cornered. Great.

Please come home!

SS

**Sent Wed 17th Nov XXXX: 07:58**

Cyclops,

I'm afraid that I'm going to be away for longer than I expected. Have fun!

Professor X

**Sent Wed 17th Nov XXXX: 18:24**

Professor X,

You must be joking. I've been emotionally scarred here, and if Jubilee gives him any more glucose I may have to throw myself into the lake.

He pinned me to the wall. I will never get my reputation back, ever. Logan is heavy, and I couldn't weasel out of it… Stupid adamantium… That was the worst experience of my life- being kissed by a guy (with stubble, I might add) was not my idea of an afternoon, plus Bobby and John getting photos and video footage of me struggling to get out of his grip yet failing miserably will probably end up as the bane of my life once they've circulated around the general school population.

Lordy me. Hiding in the woods in the pouring rain, hoping that the downpour will kill my scent. Either get home as soon as you can, or I may be forced to do something I'll regret.

Soggily yours,

SS

**Sent Fri 19th Nov XXXX: 23:59**

Scott,

Don't worry; I should be coming back to the mansion in a couple of days. Our colleague, who was holding the seminar, began to quite suddenly hear voices in his head, so he's being investigated for schizophrenia, sadly. My thoughts are with you: I shall sort out the problem as soon as I return.

Have hope,

Professor X

**Sent Sat 20th November XXXX 10:52**

Professor,

Please, for crying out loud, get on the next plane home. Everything's taken a turn for the worse.

The kids took Logan off the sugar. Thank God for that. However, they then proceeded to make sure he was in an extremely bad mood and then showed him the footage that they shot of him… well, you know what happened… me getting myself cornered in a closet, etc etc. Incidentally, said video footage is now on the internet for everyone to see- it's had 10000 hits so far.

Not good. Really not good.

Logan is now pissed at me for not stopping him- although he should be able to see that I did try, but failed spectacularly. Hence, he spent two hours running around after me in full 'I'm going to kill you' mode, and then another crawling in the ducts again.

Jean and Ororo have conveniently decided to go out, so it's me and him in the place, and I'm not coming out of the air ventilation system until you get back and take out either your '6 year old girl' threat, or that one you threatened me with – how long ago?—you know, the Chihuahua thing?

Anything, please: I'd rather take on the full Brotherhood on; plus Magneto, on my own, than face him in this mood.

Pleadingly yours,

SS

**Sent Mon 22nd Nov XXXX 12:34**

Scott,

Can I not leave you alone for a week without you getting into trouble?

Exasperatedly,

Professor X.

**Sent Tues 23rd Nov XXXX 09:01**


	2. Part II

**Never. Ever. Give Logan M'n'Ms.**

A/N: the much wanted second part to the once single piece. This has given me much pain to write, simply because I've had so much to do I haven't been able to get around to it. Heh. Do note that there won't be another piece to this, as I'm not going to stretch the concept that thin. Have fun reading: invariably, I didn't find it funny, but you might. Oh, I don't know. Enjoy- and thanks to all those who read and reviewed the last chapter.

**0-0-0-0-0**

_Excerpts taken from the journal of Dr. J.E. Grey._

Research is going surprisingly well; seeing as the mutant genome is temperamental (at best). I was expecting for erratic, anomalous results with no correlation, but the psionic mutants that I have samples from (including my own) do seem to be exhibiting patterns. I just have to work out exactly what this pattern is before I go onto physical mutation to try and make a link.

But, joyous news aside, we've got a problem in the mansion. For the last week, here's been a ghoul hiding in the air con system. The fact that this ghoul happens to be the resident grease monkey and the only math teacher in the place is significant enough to mean that all peaceful routine in the school has been shot to hell.

It's not as if Logan wants to kill him any more, seriously. He's actually (surprisingly enough) completely calm, and told me at breakfast yesterday that having Scott out of the ventilation system would be the best thing, namely because he's having to cover some of his math lessons, when Hank's not able to fill in- Logan. In a classroom. The thought makes me laugh. I've been reliably informed that the resident Wolverine now wants to laugh at Scott, not stab him. After all, whilst Logan has no memory of the incident (sugar does that to him), and is a complete unknown. On the other hand, Scott can remember the whole thing, is a teacher (which means that he goes to conferences and the like) and has his shame immortalised forever all over the internet- including a website the students made; so I went and had a look. So sue me. I wasn't there at the time, and I thought that Scott was overreacting when he didn't come out for the first day (let alone the eighth...), and at that point, I could see why. Bobby, John and Jubilee caught the footage (it's done very well, to their credit, but that's against the point), a photo gallery was constructed, they added a directors commentary over the top of one video examining making out technique, telling Scott off for swearing, and other things that ensure that his reputation as a straight laced math teacher has been completely shot to hell.

That was completely irrational thought there, admittedly. Which moron traps themselves in a place with only one exit if they're being chased? Nit-wit. I suppose that he can be forgiven though; I don't think he's ever been chased by a guy before, let alone being put through kiss chase from someone who normally hates his guts, and he takes pleasure in not liking much in return. Although, Scott's very cute when he's flustered and has no idea what to do.

I cannot believe he panicked, though. Scott doesn't panic. Normally he raises an eyebrow and moves on. What on earth happened: what thought processes went through his head at that moment? I hate to think. Something about Logan... not acting like Logan must have sent him round the twist. Great team leader, who gets thrown off course whenever someone acts even slightly strangely. No, that's stupid, let alone unfair. Let's attribute it to the fact that this is _Logan_ we're talking about- not anyone else (heck, Scott could stare down Magneto if he really wanted to). Logan who he doesn't like at all. Logan who steals his motorbike and tries to flirt with me. Logan who doesn't seem to recognise the ides of 'my territory. Back off and find your own.'

This doesn't mean that we're all being run ragged trying to do without him. Putting it in a matter of fact way, without Scott, the mansion would not -- does not -- function correctly. Danger room practice has been put on hold until we can get him out of the shafts, and knowing him (stubborn as a mule if he has to be), that's not going to happen any time soon.

I think I'll go and find him tomorrow. He's had enough time hiding in shame; plus, it's cold without him. Scott is remarkably warm, like a hot water bottle (he absorbs the sun's rays, retains the heat but loses the energy through his blasts) and it's freezing in this room without him. Another reason I need him back- he needs to fix the radiator in here.

**0-0-0-0-0**

Asked Charles where Scott is this morning, and he's going to look later (if using telepathy can be classed as looking, that is). Students are falling about with laughter because he can't show his face at the minute, I'm feeling sorry for him, and am sure that they won't entice him to come out of his hiding place. I'll go this evening: I can't spare any time right now because my current DNA sample is acting a bit weirdly, and I need to go monitor the situation. I'm sure that he can wait a couple of hours; in fact, it's his sample that's mucking me around at the minute. Damn you, Scott. Stupid DNA of yours is screwing up my correlation, and everyone else's samples have fitted in nicely, but yours just has to bugger up, doesn't it?

Ah, these things happen, I suppose. Must run: could call Hank too, to get his slant on the matter. He'd be interested, I think: and he might help with getting Scott out of the vents. You never know.

**0-0-0-0-0**

Am about to climb into the vents and find my somewhat elusive fiancé. Professor X is certain that he's not going anywhere and has told me that he will owe me a massive favour if I do manage to achieve the seemingly impossible; we're all tired of running ourselves ragged.

Damn you and your stubborn streak, Scott. Damn you.

If he'd come out before now, everything would be so much easier. Maybe he was waiting for half term, when some of the students would go home, I don't know. Trying to examine Scott's thoughts when he doesn't want you to is a nightmare: there's a mental equivalent of the Great Wall of China circling his mind. He's far too good at the mental blocking thing.

Anyway, never mind that. Things to do, places to go, sane minds to save, one ever so slightly paranoid, very stubborn twenty nine year old to pull out of the ventilation system and reassure that everything is all fine before letting him out to the slaughter... life never gets easier.

It's a good thing that I'm not claustrophobic (unlike Ororo, bless her), but I think a torch may be in order.

**0-0-0-0-0**

I did have to literally pull Scott out of the vents. Sadly, it took longer than I expected: once he'd realised that someone else was in the tunnels, he was crawling at full pelt to get away, bless him. He really is neurotic to the point of stupidity at times. I might have been that I kind of forgot to tell him that it was me, not some student trying for an interview about the events of the last few days (to add to the blog that they have on the website- when I last checked it, they were laughing about him still not coming out). Or, for that matter, that Logan was back on a sugar high and on his trail again, or off the glucose induced happy fit and ready to kill him. Whoops.

You don't corner Scott. He just fights out of said corner if he can and runs for it; which failed spectacularly to his disadvantage the other week, but still, he doesn't take to it well. Old habits die hard, I suppose. However, when he realised that it was me (well, I had to stop him moving by doing a convenient telekinetic pinning technique: which no one else could), he still didn't want to join the respectable outside world, so persuading him was somewhat problematic.

Yes, as I predicted, he was planning to stay in that hole until half term. Don't ask me how, or why. I'm not going to question it: although there will, no doubt, be a completely rational answer, I'm more worried about the cold he picked up by sitting in the pouring rain trying to extinguish his scent. Logical, but stupid none the less.

However, he's now out, and there is a definite mental sigh of relief flooding through the mansion. Hank was doing lesson plans for him whilst he was away, and teaching for much of the time as well, and everyone was struggling with the work he was setting (on Wednesday, Jubilee was shouting through the ventilation grille in her bedroom almost in tears over the polynomials they'd been given for homework, pleading for help: they were getting through 3D trigonometry before the incident occurred, then rapidly accelerated into more advanced math that no one -- sans Doug -- can do.)

Logan came to find me about fifteen minutes ago, took one look at Scott and began to laugh so much I thought his ribs were going to crack. Scott's poker face was slipping, and I'd seen the expression he was harbouring before. It was the legendary 'you just wait. I'm going to make your life hell' look that he'd often shared when we were students. Oh dear. I hate to think what could possibly happen next.

But, that's against the point. He's back, equilibrium has been restored, I'll be nice and warm this evening, and I'm going to have to tell Bobby, Jubes and John not to keep flashing about the photos and web address, or they'll end up with some horrific, quite possibly mathematically related, punishment for the gross exploitation of soda and peanut M'n'Ms.

The offending substances might even get banned from the house. And that would make all our lives invariably easier, although the rebellion wouldn't be worth it. Come on, these are teenagers we're talking about.

But, a general conclusion for the last couple of weeks' exhibition...

Never. Ever. Give Logan M'n'Ms.


End file.
